"A Person's a Person No Matter How Small"

I feel like a failure today. While it's been a great day, I just feel so swollen and unhealthy. My fat pants that I bought from Goodwill 2 months ago are now a struggle to button. My shirts are busting at the seems because my boobs have grown so much. My arms no longer fit into my jacket because they are so fat.

WHAT DID I DO TO MYSELF?

How can someone so active suddenly go to someone so lazy? I do nothing but eat, sleep, work, watch TV. All the activities I am involved in...I am sitting. I used to be athletic. I don't think I can even run a mile without dying or doing it in 15 minutes.

Today, I feel like a complete failure. I want to be back to my "normal" self- the person that had tons of active friends, the person that would make time each day to at least take a walk (even if that was for food...hehe), the person that didn't worry so much about what other people thought about them. The person that is always happy and optimistic. 

Is it even possible to get that person back? In a healthy way at least? I lost 26lbs in June. Although I was skinnier than I was in high school, I was the most miserable person in the world. I was always tired, didn't want to do anything, and I couldn't enjoy a good meal somewhere because I was constantly thinking about what it would do to me. I never thought I would quit that diet. Since I have, not only have I gained all 26lbs back, I gained 20 additional pounds. I think that "diet" screwed me up. People are right when they say it has to be a lifestyle change. I totally thought I made a lifestyle change for those 6 weeks- after all, it was the longest I had ever stuck to an eating plan AND had noticable results.

How can I turn my life around? I talked to Randi and she told me she thinks about the people in her life that mean the most to her- she does it for herself and for them because they deserve the best of her. I like that, although part of me thinks that if I had that mentality, and for whatever reason I stopped talking to those people, my old ways would come back.

I started getting stretch marks at 16 on my legs. Now they are on my boobs, my legs, and my stomach. I am surprised my arms aren't affected yet. It bothers me so much, and now that's something thats scarred that won't ever go away. I also have scars from picking on my legs. I wonder what my boyfriend thinks when he looks at me and sees what I have done to myself. He doesn't say anything to me, but sometimes I wish he would. There is no way he doesn't notice it, especially when we are intimate. I know if he said something I would cry. It's probably better that he doesn't mention it.

I want so bad to be active with my boyfriend. He runs, I ran. I am so ashamed because I can't even walk a trail anymore without being out of breath. How the hell am I supposed to do all these races?

My mom says "quit. I worry about you". How do I make it that simple? I know exactly what I need to do, I just never put it into action because I am "tired". I am too tired to go grocery shopping so I pick something up from McDonalds. I am too tired to get up in the morning and do Shaun T. I am too tired to prepare my food because school is exhausting. Nothing interests me. How do I find what appeals to me and stick to something?

When school ended, I said I would take a break from everything- I have done that TOO much and look where it's left me. Where do I find that spark? My weight is literally the root of all evil. It causes EVERY single problem in my life- I can't accept the way I am. My whole life my weight has been up and down, I don't even know where my natural set point is. I can't remember the last time I woke up and told myself that I feel good and healthy.

I wish I could just accept me for who I am. Doctors have told me that I need to lose weight or something will happen (aka kidney problems, slower metabolism, diabetes) and that hasn't done anything. I can't even concentrate at school right now because I ate an entire bag of combos, a bottle of ginger ale, 2 cookies, and some candy. WHO DOES THAT? No self control- none. I see pictures of myself, and I gag. I desperately want that active girl back. :(

I am stuck. Help me, Lord.