"A Person's a Person No Matter How Small"

I feel like a failure today. While it's been a great day, I just feel so swollen and unhealthy. My fat pants that I bought from Goodwill 2 months ago are now a struggle to button. My shirts are busting at the seems because my boobs have grown so much. My arms no longer fit into my jacket because they are so fat.

WHAT DID I DO TO MYSELF?

How can someone so active suddenly go to someone so lazy? I do nothing but eat, sleep, work, watch TV. All the activities I am involved in...I am sitting. I used to be athletic. I don't think I can even run a mile without dying or doing it in 15 minutes.

Today, I feel like a complete failure. I want to be back to my "normal" self- the person that had tons of active friends, the person that would make time each day to at least take a walk (even if that was for food...hehe), the person that didn't worry so much about what other people thought about them. The person that is always happy and optimistic. 

Is it even possible to get that person back? In a healthy way at least? I lost 26lbs in June. Although I was skinnier than I was in high school, I was the most miserable person in the world. I was always tired, didn't want to do anything, and I couldn't enjoy a good meal somewhere because I was constantly thinking about what it would do to me. I never thought I would quit that diet. Since I have, not only have I gained all 26lbs back, I gained 20 additional pounds. I think that "diet" screwed me up. People are right when they say it has to be a lifestyle change. I totally thought I made a lifestyle change for those 6 weeks- after all, it was the longest I had ever stuck to an eating plan AND had noticable results.

How can I turn my life around? I talked to Randi and she told me she thinks about the people in her life that mean the most to her- she does it for herself and for them because they deserve the best of her. I like that, although part of me thinks that if I had that mentality, and for whatever reason I stopped talking to those people, my old ways would come back.

I started getting stretch marks at 16 on my legs. Now they are on my boobs, my legs, and my stomach. I am surprised my arms aren't affected yet. It bothers me so much, and now that's something thats scarred that won't ever go away. I also have scars from picking on my legs. I wonder what my boyfriend thinks when he looks at me and sees what I have done to myself. He doesn't say anything to me, but sometimes I wish he would. There is no way he doesn't notice it, especially when we are intimate. I know if he said something I would cry. It's probably better that he doesn't mention it.

I want so bad to be active with my boyfriend. He runs, I ran. I am so ashamed because I can't even walk a trail anymore without being out of breath. How the hell am I supposed to do all these races?

My mom says "quit. I worry about you". How do I make it that simple? I know exactly what I need to do, I just never put it into action because I am "tired". I am too tired to go grocery shopping so I pick something up from McDonalds. I am too tired to get up in the morning and do Shaun T. I am too tired to prepare my food because school is exhausting. Nothing interests me. How do I find what appeals to me and stick to something?

When school ended, I said I would take a break from everything- I have done that TOO much and look where it's left me. Where do I find that spark? My weight is literally the root of all evil. It causes EVERY single problem in my life- I can't accept the way I am. My whole life my weight has been up and down, I don't even know where my natural set point is. I can't remember the last time I woke up and told myself that I feel good and healthy.

I wish I could just accept me for who I am. Doctors have told me that I need to lose weight or something will happen (aka kidney problems, slower metabolism, diabetes) and that hasn't done anything. I can't even concentrate at school right now because I ate an entire bag of combos, a bottle of ginger ale, 2 cookies, and some candy. WHO DOES THAT? No self control- none. I see pictures of myself, and I gag. I desperately want that active girl back. :(

I am stuck. Help me, Lord.

"I Lied...We Do Have Treasure"

As I was researching better ways to serve my students, I came across this amazing kindergarten teacher and his views on rewards and a behavior management system.

http://mattbgomez.com/i-lied-we-do-have-treasure/

I wonder what the demographic is like at his school. I am constantly thinking about how kids have this huge sense of entitlement at such a young age, so why not stop it in kindergarten? He has a good point, but I'm not sure how I feel about it. As educators, we are supposed to constantly be giving love and attention to our students, not just if they did something right or well. That is a treasure and a reward, but I don't think the students will see that as a "reward" for doing what they are supposed to. The only reward this man has is to "Be Brave". What an awesome idea!

HOW DO WE STOP THIS VICIOUS CYCLE?!

Here is another bloggers take, which is similar to Mr. Gomez':

"There are many many reasons not to use publicly-displayed, one-size-fits-all behaviour “systems” in a classroom: they encourage extrinsic rather than intrinsic motivation; they undermine a sense of community; they prevent kids from generalizing good behaviours;  but this is the biggest one, to me:

A child’s dignity, privacy, self-respect are no less real or important or valid, than mine. When I undermine a children’s privacy and dignity, I do damage to their relationships: with their peers, with me, and with themselves.

Yes, behaviour charts can create a classroom full of raised hands, quiet voices, walking feet, please-and-thank-yous.

But a child’s dignity is too high a price to pay for criss-cross-applesauce."

I really like what this blogger said here (http://missnightmutters.com/2012/08/too-high-a-price.html). She disagrees with a color chart but completely thinks it's necessary for individualized charts. These are private and tailored to each child's needs, unlike a class system.  She does a great metaphor of all of this with an adult getting a new job.

Another great article by Miss Night:

http://missnightmutters.com/2012/09/behaviour-management-not-systems-but-relationships.html

I am so inspired by the way these teachers work. There truly is no one universal way to create a classroom filled with love, support, and learning. These teachers have spent years in trial and error, research, talking with families, and it's finally working for them. As a first year counselor, I am trying to float. I plan on really getting down to the nitty gritty over the summer.

I find myself struggling to define my role to myself, let alone to other people. I wear many hats, but I'd say the main thing I am is a parent! I still don't know how to define my role in either of my schools after 9 months. It's embarrassing at parent meetings, IEPs when someone wants to add counseling services (what's that mean? entail?)

More thoughts later...

The First Message from him This Morning...:)

I am so fucking lucky. What a winner <3.

Thank you, Jesus.

and OkCupid.

"I Declare I Will Overcome Every Obstacle Because I Am STRONG"

My thoughts are going to be all over the place. I basically plan on typing everything that comes to mind at this moment.

I didn't sleep well last night- I didn't get to hear Luke tell me goodnight, it was too cold, and I knew I was getting up early in the morning to work out. I get all paranoid that my alarm will never go off, but it always does. It was easy getting up. We did Day 1 of Hip Hop Abs with Shaun T- he is SO gay and SO fun in the morning. I think Brit likes him, too, and I am very excited to see results.

I made one of my 3 shakeology shakes this morning. It was tasty, but it was not filling. My mom swears by these things and let me try it. She said she gets a ton of energy, zero cravings, and is full for a long time. I had the COMPLETE opposite. I was hungry 3 hours later, I craved regular soda, and I took a 2 hour nap when I got home because I had a migraine. UGH

My school day went very well....very fast. Which is unusual. I tried to focus on the day and the time that I had. I more so did office stuff: cleaning, organizing, filing, etc. I maybe talked to 6 kids and did 2 classroom lessons. It's important to be tidy in the office though...a happy room equals a happy Kristin. 

One thing that really pissed me off was that a girl came in my office and asked me if I brushed my hair this morning because it was so messy. At least she didn't ask me if I was pregnant...I will die.

At the end of the school day I scanned in my mom's baby pictures. That was fun- I am making a slideshow for Saturday. I sometimes forget that my parents were once kids, too. 

When I got home, I washed dishes to try and get rid of my headache, but that didn't work so I took excedrin and took a 2 hour nap. When I woke up, I made a turkey burger and got ready for PAINT NITE! It was SO much fun.

Monika drove me nuts....she drove Brit nuts, too. In fact, I don't think Brit will ever want to hang out with her again. She made comments about how Monika has to document everything and that she doesn't just sit and paint and enjoy it. That really got me thinking about my actions. She is right! I used to take pictures significantly more than now, but memories last forever so why take a photo of everything? Monika was so concerned about how her hair fell on her shoulders, how skinny she looked, and cared nothing about how her painting looked except in the pictures. She kind of ruined it for us by asking to take a gazillion pictures.

I love Monika to death, but she is a little too much for me sometimes. I am so thankful for a roommate like Brit. She's bomb.com.

I quoted Shaun T for today's post. 

I worked out this morning and I really tried to focus in on my posture and squeezing my ab muscles. I ate fries at paint nite, though. Can't be perfect I guess.

Another thing I want to work on is not taking naps...today I think it was okay because my head was throbbing. Maybe I just didn't eat enough? Not sure. 

I am a strong woman. I need to be more confident in myself and my abilities. I know I have what it takes to overcome everything that I feel is a problem in my life- I just doubt too much. 

Time for bed. Hopefully Lulu will text me and even talk to me before his hockey game. I miss him :(

"Work Smarter, Not Harder."

As my extended weekend concludes before I go back to work tomorrow, I find myself thinking about how lucky I am. My life is what so many people literally dream of everyday, starting with the essentials: a roof over my head, food to eat, and love. I have a great job that I enjoy doing every single day, and I have an amazing support system consisting of my wonderful boyfriend, my roommate, and my immediate family. 

So what I am so worried about? What am I so stressed out about? My whole life has been constant worries, and I still am trying to figure out why some people are so resilient and let things be...HOW DO THEY DO IT!? I am in a constant struggle trying to be the best version of myself- the problem is, I have all these wonderful ideas in my head on how to achieve this, but I never actually fulfill the vision and work at it. As I age, I have found that I am a giant procrastinator. I would rather lay down and go on social media in my bed than try and "fix" all the imperfections that I have struggled with for years. 

These are the things that I want to improve to be the best version of myself:

• my physical appearance (aka: work out and eat right)
• being a more supportive and understanding girlfriend
• being a more knowledgeable counselor
• praying and leaving my worries in God's hands
• saving money
• using my time in a more worthwhile manner
• being a more thoughtful daughter and friend

Sometimes I just want to shut my brain down because all I think about is this stuff. I just want to get away from it all in a quiet place and be able to relax.

I think these are all things that everyone should think about and strive to improve, but these things are causing me stress everyday. Because I let it. Eleanor Roosevelt once said that nothing and nobody can make you feel inferior without their consent. I am letting these things, these ideas, take control of my mind. I find myself constantly trying to think of ways to be better while not really enjoying the "here and now". I am not seeing the beauty of everything around me and in my life RIGHT NOW. Is it even realistic and good for my health to have these thoughts? Sometimes I think it's ONLY detrimental and not allowing me to live the life God planned has planned for me.

In grad school, Chavez-Korell constantly stressed how important the "here and now" aspect is in therapy. I remember her words and try to tell myself to take things day by day. So far, that has worked in my professional life. I find myself becoming burnt out now that the year is almost over;  however, I notice the days go much faster if I focus on that day, from 7-3, what kids I am going to see, what activities I am going to do. I also find myself working harder, more diligently, and getting more meaningful things done because I am not busy planning for a month from now.

That's where the "work smarter, not harder" comes into play. I need to adopt this philosophy into everyday life. My biggest problem right now is how I use my time. We aren't given much of it, and I waste it almost everyday thinking about what I am going to eat and what time I am going to bed. Maybe I should use it to go do something sweet for my boyfriend, go to a daily mass, make an activity that will really resonate with a child today, and for heaven's sake, WORK OUT! It's not that I have to work any harder...I just have to be smarter and utilize the time God has given me for His gifts of which he's blessed me.

I am going to use this blog as an outlet for my inner most thoughts. My regrets. My blessings. Everything. I am hoping to use this as a reflective, something I can look back on and help myself to become that best version of myself that I so strive to become. Here's to living in the moment!